My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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