come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Randomize
