I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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