wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
