Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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