I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
