I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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