Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
