Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
