I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
