I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
