There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
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