it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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