she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
