I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
