so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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