On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
We named our party play list daddy issues
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I wish there were birth control emojis
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
