well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
