just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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