I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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