i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
