Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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