I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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