They should really pass out barf bags in church
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Someone shattered a urinal.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Randomize
