i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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