Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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