My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
