Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
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