I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
