just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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