I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Randomize
