____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
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mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
It's never too late to be topless.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
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When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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