I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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