True but thats because hes a fetus.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Randomize
