after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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