I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
