he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
