Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
