i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Randomize
