Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Randomize
