I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
