the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
dude. I can hear the air.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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