I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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