Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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