Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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