I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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