dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
