rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Randomize
