my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
