My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
