May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
