How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
