I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
