at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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