I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
