That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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