Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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