listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I have tasted many bathrooms
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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