Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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