and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Randomize
