ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
