For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
