When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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